Day 9

I cried like a baby today.

Gave my first discipline referral. I had a student in 5th period who I have already caught tagging my desks, pull out his cell phone. I noticed the phone at the beginning of the class period, and asked him politely to put it away. I walked back up to the front of the room, and turned around to see him texting or pushing buttons on his phone. I walked up to him and extended my hand for the phone. He gave me the phone and I put it in my desk.

After class, he came up to me to ask when he could get his phone back. I told him that was between him and security as I was taking the phone to the security office (as proper procedure states). He said, "Where the f*ck is security?" I looked at him and calmly let him know I was not going to accept that language. He said, "What the f*ck, you don't have to be a b*tch."

I told him it was his lucky day. I was going to escort him to security personally. I opened up my desk drawer with the shakeiest hand I have ever had in my life and grabbed a referral form. I tried to fill out the form right there, but I was shaking so bad, I didn't want him to see my weakness. I got my keys and escorted him out of my room. We walked to security and I told him the security office also houses our Dean of Students who handles discipline problems. He gave me the thumbs up sign. I told him he isn't to speak like that to his teachers. We walked in to the office, he took a seat and I put my back to him. I filled out the referral form and the Dean of Students walked out. I told her what happened, handed her the form, and walked over to the student. I extended my hand to shake his and said, "Well, today is done. Let's get this worked out and I will see you tomorrow." He limply shook my hand and I walked out of the classroom.

I barely made it back to my building before the tears started to fall. I don't want to be that teacher. I didn't want to do my first referral in the first days of school as a teacher. I didn't know what else to do. I hope I made the right decision. The rest of the day couldn't go by fast enough. I am really having a hard time teaching. I feel like I am babysitting. Not teaching. I am also having a hard time with the physical science content. These kids are really a challenge to motivate. Some are excellent and totally ready to learn. But others, are such a CHALLENGE. I fear I am not doing anything.

I cried the whole way home. I have so much to do in my classroom, but after entering my attendance, I left. I didn't even make it to my truck before crying again. I cried the whole way home. What am I doing? I don't even feel like I know how to teach. I am so overwhelmed and so lost even with the content let alone trying to teach it to 168 kids.

Made it to my parents house and picked up my dog. Came home and sat on the couch for an hour. Not doing anything, just sitting. I feel crazy that I wasted an hour with so much to do, but I just sat. I feel drained. Drained emotionally, professionally, and personally. Hopefully with the weekend, I will feel better and ready to tackle the issues head on.